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Marriage Humor

Have some laughs.......Cheers!
 
Marriage Humor:
 
Wife:         'What are you doing?'  
Husband:     Nothing.
Wife:         'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband:     'I was looking for the expiration date.'  
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Wife :       'Do you want dinner?'  
Husband:      'Sure! What are my choices?'  
Wife:         'Yes or no.'
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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'  
Wife:  'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'  
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Stress Reliever Girl:      'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'  
Boy:      'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'  
Girl:      'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
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Son:      'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'  
Mom:   'Well, you have done the right thing.'  
Son:      'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'  
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'   'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you,
NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'  
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'  
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
 
 
Husbands are husbands
 
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'.
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
 
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied:  'Your Horse phoned'


Wife to Husband:
"Come Help Me in Garden.."

Husband:
"Wat do U think I am? A Gardener??" :O

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Good brain teaser

Cheers for beer

Beer Theories
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.  Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.  I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
 
Babe Ruth
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink.  When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Lyndon B. Johnson
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?  I think not."
H. L.. Mencken
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"When we drink, we get drunk.  When we get drunk, we fall asleep.  When we fall asleep, we commit no sin  When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.  So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.."
Dave Barry
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BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields (ha ha ha ha ha)
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One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.  A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members!  In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


Very Good IQ

A female teacher,was having a problem with a boy in her class of 3rd grade.
The boy said 'M'am, I should b in 4th grade,Ï'm smarter than my sis & she's in the 4th grade'.

The M'am {Teacher} had heard enough of his complains & took the boy 2 the Principal's office.

She explained everything 2 the Principal who decided 2 test the boy with some questions that a 4th grade should know.

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